


Skulls to Decorate our Home

by HBossWrites



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/F, Kalirama thinks she's kinda cute, Kimball is very tired, My poor attempts at humor, crack concept, lots of mentions of decapitations and skulls, why is this a thing?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 04:20:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15235188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HBossWrites/pseuds/HBossWrites
Summary: “I am Kalirama the Undying. Goddess of Death, War and Annihilation. Daughter of Time. Queen of the Cosmic Powers and Mother to the Fates. Bow before me, so that I may sever your head from your neck!”Fantastic.Kimball pulled her sidearm up and checked it quickly to make sure it was working properly.“I am Kimball, the Eternally Weary. General of the New Republic. President of Chorus. Protector of All Devastated by War. I am She Who Fights Corruption, Defender of Life, and Rebuilder of Society. I am MORE Than A Little Annoyed By Your Presence, and I Do Not Have Time For Games.”Or: Kalirama accidentally arrives on Chorus instead of Sammie Raphaello's Pizza and is amused by Kimball. Kimball is not amused by Kalirama.





	Skulls to Decorate our Home

Kimball knew it was going to be a bad day from the moment she pried her aching eyes open after a long night of desperately trying to rest.

She could taste the bad in the air, feel the hum of dread on her skin…and Santa was acting oddly. He said it was nothing, some sort of disruption to his hologram projections, but then his communications started to get spotty, and Kimball knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the day was going to be strange and unpleasant.

Kimball’s gut rarely proved her wrong these days now that she didn’t have that orange and black viper hissing in her ears.

Palomo spent the night outside the apartment building she was staying in playing music from a _boom box_ of all things, while he and sang up to Jensen’s window (apparently unaware that Jensen was having a slumber party with Volleyball in a completely different building). Bitters offended an off world dignitary before breakfast, leaving Kimball scrambling to soothe ruffled feathers. Jensen drove a warthog into a line of waiting vehicles and flipped every _single_ one while Kimball was on her way to her first meeting of the day, and Kimball had to scramble to find a ride that wasn’t damaged or upside-down. Andersmith decided that today was the perfect day to set up a blockade and make sure that everyone was sober and driving with appropriate licensing to be operating vehicles, leaving Kimball another hour behind on her work and more than a little annoyed with the man since _this was not what his job entailed_.

It was not a good start to her day.

So, when Private Matthews tripped down a flight of stairs and knocked Kimball’s lunch out of her hands and onto her armor (she’d been saving that particular batch of pasta salad for a bad day), leaving her to scrape the remains off of her armor in defeat, Kimball decided it was time to take a walk before she said or did something she’d regret.

Like going to see Carolina in the hospital while she was tending to Wash, when Kimball knew the other woman wasn’t interested in her anymore and maybe never had been.

“Some days,” Kimball muttered darkly to herself as she headed to the nearby park, “Are just dripping with bad omens.”

A sinister laugh filled the air in response and Kimball’s shoulder bunched.

She looked up at the sky, hoping for some fun shaped, fluffy clouds and not any sort of horrific visions or anything that could possibly created sinister, echoing laughter, when a dark swirling mass of clouds and smoke began to appear and billow outward in an inky vortex.

Out of the black clouds appeared a giant, four-armed woman, floating in the sky, arms extended and holding a variety of weapons and…a skull? She slowly descended in what would have been an impressive display if Kimball wasn’t so hungry and exhausted and _done_ with the day that the splendor of it went right over her head. She could barely function as a person at the moment, let alone deal with whatever _that_ was.

“For once the Trickster spoke tru-“

She landed on the ground and looked at Kimball as if she just realized that Kimball was not the droid she was looking for.

“Perhaps he did not. I should not be taken by surprise, and yet, every time, I am.

Kimball wanted desperately to rub at her aching eyes, down a bottle of whatever the hell kind of alcohol Emily was brewing behind the false wall in the coroner’s office that everyone pretended not to know about, and go to bed. She was a little confused, and a lot frustrated, and it was already ten minutes past time for this to be done.

“Just who might you be?”

The four-armed being spread her limbs out wide and tipped her head toward the sky with pride.

“I am Kalirama the Undying. Goddess of Death, War and Annihilation. Daughter of Time. Queen of the Cosmic Powers and Mother to the Fates. Bow before me, so that I may sever your head from your neck!”

Fantastic.

Kimball pulled her sidearm up and checked it quickly to make sure it was working properly.

“I am Kimball, the Eternally Weary. General of the New Republic. President of Chorus. Protector of All Devastated by War.”

She raised her sidearm and aimed it between where she assumed this Kalirama had eyes.

“I am She Who Fights Corruption, Defender of Life, and Rebuilder of Society. I am MORE Than A Little Annoyed By Your Presence, and I Do Not Have Time For Games.”

The ‘Goddess’ tipped her head to the side, clearly confused.

“You…speak in titles in this place?”

“I thought that was a fun new game we were playing. Hands in the air. All of them.”

Kalirama looked at her arms, still lifted in the air, and Kimball did her best not to think herself into an anxiety attack at the thought that she’d told someone to put their hands in the air when their hands _were already in the air_.

_‘Oh my god, it’s like being twelve years old all over again.’_

“Are you sure you are well?”

“I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months, if not years, I got to scrub my lunch off of my armor instead of eating it today, I am stressed, I am angry, and I am not in the mood for **whatever** you are! Drop your weapons and the skull and raise your arms higher! I will not warn you again! I am considered armed, dangerous, and possibly unstable by the UNSC. If you think I’m afraid of you, you have another thing coming!”

Kalirama’s arms merged from four to two, and all but one of her weapons (a sword that looked suspiciously like a palate swap of Tucker’s, how original this goddess was!) disappeared.

“Well, Little General, it seems you have spirit in you, even if that spirit is driven by deprivation of much needed rest and nutrients. I will honor your station and titles by allowing you to die with your head held high until I cut it off. It will make an excellent addition to my mantle.”

“Goodie. You’re a more respectful opponent than the last asshole who tried to kill me, which is both not saying much and really, _really_ sad.”

The rumbling sound of warthogs caught Kimball’s attention.

The squealing of tires, like someone driving very poorly and trying to correct themselves, and the expected wails of terror associated with that noise made Kimball grit her teeth.  
  
“GENERAL KIMBALL!!”  
  
Oh no.

“GENERAL KIMBALL!”

Kimball and Kalirama turned just in time to see that someone had set off the emergency alert and rallied the troops.

The Lieutenants barreled toward the two women in a warthog, desperately clinging to it as it rocketed forward at speeds Kimball was certain were not safe, followed by a crowd of increasingly heavily armed soldiers, all shouting and waving their weapons as if they expected the sight of Chorus’s ‘Fuck You’ alien disintegration guns would scare the giant war goddess away.

Jensen was driving, which explained the noise and the screaming.

“JENSEN, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU CRASH THAT WARTHOG, I’M TAKING YOUR DRIVING PRIVILEGES! GET BACK INSIDE! ALL OF YOU!!!!”

Kalirama let out a soft snicker as Jensen lost a little control and Bitters lurched as if he was going to be sick.

“Your children?”

“My charges, yes. I would consider it a great favor if you _didn’t_ murder them.”

Kalirama tipped her head in acknowledgement, and Kimball could feel the goddess’s amusement at the situation. _Someone_ should be amused by the whole thing, since Kimball wasn’t up for it at the moment.

“Very well, my favor is granted to you and I shall not cleave their heads from their shoulders and keep their skulls as decorations for my home, though such an act would both please and amuse me greatly.”

“Much appreciated, although now I have questions about what you just told me.”

“What? You don’t find skulls to be aesthetically pleasing?”

“Not when I know who they belonged to, no, but what I meant was-“

Kalirama held up a hand and created what appeared to be a bubble shield just as the soldiers came within firing range. Kimball could hear their over-dramatic battle cries as the energy pulses and bullets were absorbed on impact.

Kimball took the time to really look at the shield, since it seemed that Kalirama was waiting for a response, if her dramatic pose and pointed stare were any indication. It was nothing to sniff at, that was for sure.

“Nice. I didn’t know they came in this size.”

“You are not…impressed?”

The goddess sounded unhappy with that response.

“Well, I mean,” Kimball shrugged as much as she could while still holding her gun at Kalirama’s eyes, “it’s big, sure, but my ex’s is prettier and has geometric patterns. I’m sure I would be more impressed if I hadn’t seen one just like it before.”

The _alien space goddess_ actually seemed disappointed that the tiny human woman was not impressed by her stupid magical glowy goddess powers. Kimball nearly laughed at the physical manifestation of a pout standing in front of her, but managed to keep her cool.

“Your ex?”

_Was_ Carolina her ex? They’d barely been dating when she’d run off with the Reds and Blues, but they hadn’t said more than a few words to one another since she’d left Chorus, and when she came back it wasn’t as if they’d had a chance to properly _say_ they weren’t seeing one another anymore.

“It’s complicated. Basically she ditched me ten months to go fuck around on a moon with a bunch of guys, do mushrooms, and join a band.”

When she put it like that, it sounded a little harsh, so Kimball tried to lighten the mood.

“I guess she didn’t want kids or something.”

Kalirama knelt onto one knee to put herself closer to Kimball’s height and nodded sympathetically. Her voice took on a gentle croon and sounded surprisingly sincere.

“How disappointing for you, to be so unappreciated by your warrior lover.”

Kimball shook her head, because that whole situation was dead and buried. Ten months was plenty of time to get over Carolina turning her back on Kimball and Chorus with barely a second thought, only even thinking about Kim-CHORUS when she got herself into trouble and needed someone to take care of her messes.

She was fine. It was a good lesson to Kimball to not put her expectations on someone who didn’t want them.

“You know, I was upset at first, but honestly, it’s not the end of the world. If I die here, in this moment, with no romantic interest to declare vengeance in my name, at least I’ll have lived a good life.”

Kimball thought for a moment and shook her head.

“Well, relatively good. I mean, aside from the poverty, disease, starvation, civil war, interplanetary war, backstabbing, betrayal, insomnia, guilt, nightmares, stress, ulcers, crippling anxiety, my inability to form meaningful emotional attachments because I’ve been hurt and betrayed so many times that I’m constantly trying to push people away, and my tendencies to put the lives of my people ahead of my potential love interest’s desires which means I was always destined to die alone. Aside from all that, it’s been a good run, I guess.”

Kimball rolled her shoulder relaxed her hold a little, despite the chaos and explosions on the other side of the barrier. Kalirama had completely dropped her defensive posture for something more relaxed and seemed genuinely interested in what Kimball was saying.

Which was a thing that never happened in the history of ever unless she was talking tactics or nerd stuff.

Why did Kalirama, the Undying care about Kimball’s failed relationship or emotional instability?

“Um…weren’t you going to let me die with dignity? Beating the shit out of me while looking like you’re not breaking a sweat after I expose all of my weaknesses of my own volition isn’t exactly going to help me save face. If I die to a goddess, I’d like to at least be remembered as someone who made you break a sweat or something.”

“Child, you asked for my favor, and I have agreed to grant it. You will not die this day by my hand.”

Kalirama’s sword disappeared from her hand, and she placed one finger gently on the side of Kimball’s jaw. It was uncomfortably intimate, even with Kimball’s helmet preventing actual contact, and Kimball genuinely had no idea what she was supposed to do about it or how to feel in that moment.

“And this is why semantics are important. I asked for _a_ favor, not _your_ favor.”

“You have asked me for _a great favor_ , and I shall bestow it upon you as I see fit, along with not killing your many bloodthirsty children who are charging at my shield. I am a goddess, it is my prerogative to choose how I bestow my favors.”

“DIE! DIE!”

“SHE’S GOT A SHIELD!”

“SOMEONE GET AGENT CAROLINA FROM THE HOSPITAL!"

Kimball slapped Kalirama’s finger away from her face and turned to scream at her soldiers.

“DO **_NOT_** GET AGENT CAROLINA! **_DO NOT GET CAROLINA!!!_** ”

Kalirama crossed her arms and stared down at Kimball.

“Who is Carolina?”

“My ex.”

“And she still lives? You failed to mention that your mercy is greater than any ocean’s waves. I assumed that you had killed her, as is the proper way to deal with a partner who abandons you to create a harem of inferior men and/or women. Were I in your shoes, the men’s skulls would adorn my bookshelves and her’s would live on the vanity in my bedchambers where I could mock her with my amorous bedroom activities whenever I so chose.”

_‘That’s an…interesting design motif, to be sure.’_

“They aren’t her harem. If Tucker had managed to have sex with Carolina, the whole **universe** would know. Also, I’m not going to kill her and please don’t kill her on my behalf. I understand that you are goddess of death, and I respect that, but please don’t make people die because you think it will make me happy. Death never makes me happy. Also, the idea of having a skull grinning at me during sex kind of creeps me out a little.”

Kalirama stood and slowly circled Kimball with all the focus of a vulture sniffing out a fresh kill, seemingly oblivious to the screams and explosions happening just a few feet away from them on the other side of her increasingly elaborate bubble shield. At some point while Kimball wasn’t paying attention, Kalirama had modified the design with bright color variations and intricate, shifting patterns.

Kalirama knelt down again, and this time placed her finger just under Kimball’s chin.

“You ask for many favors, My Little General, but very well. I shall not cleave her head from her shoulders and use it to decorate our shared bedchambers, no matter how greatly seeing the image often would please me. I shall simply have to imagine it instead.”

“Thank you. You know, I really appreciate that you are so willing to…wait…what did you just say?”

There was something at the tail end of Kalirama’s sentence, but Kimball was sure that she’d had a mini-stroke or something. The alien goddess of death, war, and annihilation had not just implied that she was…interested in Kimball?

…Had she?

“Our home?”

Kalirama’s finger started to gently stroke beneath Kimball’s chin, leaving her feeling more than a little discomfited.

“You do ask for many favors for so new a relationship, but I am willing to make an exception. I find you both charming and amusing, and the smell of blood and battle clings to your flesh in an exquisite bouquet.”

“What?”

“I am wedded but my husband, Atlus, tends to keep to our home and is rarely compelled to leave it. He will likely wish to meet you, but that will be the extent of your relationship with him. I have some duties which must be performed, but I shall return soon with many skulls and other things to decorate our shared dwelling.”

“Wait, what?!”

“I also prefer fruits of trees rather than vines to be present within our dwelling for general consumption, unless those vine fruits have been turned into wine. I shall provide us with all the required decorations and dressings, I think. All you must do, Little General, is find a place suitable for myself and my temple of worship.”

“Your temple of what? I think there’s a misunderstanding here.”  
  
Kalirama’s arms divided again and her lower left tipped Kimball’s chin up to meet her eyes, or once again, where Kimball expected eyes to be if Kalirama had a face structure similar to a human’s.

“There is no misunderstanding. You have asked for my favor, for my protection of your children, and to spare one who has wronged you though the slaughter of all mentioned would be both entertaining and pleasurable for me. Such requests are only made by those with which I share a deep bond or one who is _incredibly_ foolish. As you are not my child, or my blood kin, there are really very few options you could fill as far as intimacy goes, and I do enjoy your spirit.”

Kimball grabbed onto Kalirama’s hand and yanked it away from her face. She was _sick_ of the goddess touching her without permission…even if it wasn’t the worst feeling in the world.

Kalirama was surprisingly gentle for someone so big.

“Do I get a say in this?”

Kalirama shrugged and crossed both sets of arms. It was…an interesting look.

God, what Kimball could accomplish in a day if she had an extra set of arms. There was so much paperwork. So much cleaning. SO MUCH LAUNDRY TO BE FOLDED!

_‘Focus Vanessa, you’re negotiating with a goddess. Pay attention or you’ll end up having to sacrifice goats or your firstborn or something stupid like that.’_

“You could always refuse my favor, but in that case, I would have no reason to offer your planet my protections, let alone hold myself back from killing your children and-“

“And using their skulls to decorate your home, yes, I get it. You like the aesthetic of empty eye sockets staring at you while you read. Can we take it a little slower? I’m not used to relationships progressing this quickly, even in the middle of a warzone.”

Kalirama bent forward so her head was closer to Kimball’s and touched her massive helmet to Kimball’s own in a common gesture of Chorisian intimacy.

“Your human lives are so short and fleeting, I would hate to waste a single moment, but I shall respect your wishes. We will not wed on this day.”

Kimball hadn’t been worried about that, but now that she was aware that it was an option, she was incredibly thankful to not have to marry the goddess today. Sexy booming voice and magical powers capable of protecting her planet from harm or no, Kimball liked a little romance before being forcibly wed.

So she assumed anyway, this was all new territory for her.

“Thank you for that.”

“When I return, I shall take you on a proper outing, a date, I believe it is called. Make a list of your favorite locations, and we will choose the most appropriate of them to build my temple and our new home upon from that. We two will have a most fruitful union.”

“Wow…ok. Um…Kalirama, this is all _very_ sudden.”

Kimball felt arms wrap around her and lift her into the air.

“Oh boy!” She squeaked in panic, “I do _not_ enjoy being up in the air like this!”

The goddess attached a piece of metal to Kimball’s hip and squeezed Kimball against her massive chestplate in what Kimball barely recognized as a hug.

“A token, proof that you hold my favor. Should you kill with it, I will feel it instantly. I await the bloodshed at your hand with baited breath. I will return as quickly as I can, My Little General. Keep your bed warm for me, for I have a great many plans for you in the future, and many ideas on how to use it.”

And with that, Kalirama put Kimball down and disappeared through a swirling vortex of black clouds with the sound of maniacal laughter shaking Kimball and the soldiers until the smoke cleared and it was as if the goddess had never been there in the first place.

Kimball turned to her soldiers who’d stopped firing as soon as the shield went down. They rushed her in panic and she was forcibly checked over by no less than fifty anxious teens and young adults, all terrified that their surviving leader had been potentially harmed by the giant, terrifying being.

“General Kimball! Are you alright?!”

“Fine. I’m fine. We’re fine. Everything’s fine.”

“What was that?!”

“Nothing to be worried about. I may have accidentally traded my relationship status as a painfully single woman to an alien war and death goddess of unknown origins for the promise of her not murdering any of us…and possible favors in the future should she continue to like me. Also she may be building us an apartment or a temple, I don’t really know what she’s planning just yet.”

Kimball slipped off her helmet and rubbed at her eyes.

She was _very_ tired.

“General Kimball, why is this happening to us?”

“I don’t know for certain, but something in me wants to blame the Reds and Blues for this. I feel like somehow, some way, this is their fault. Thank you all for coming out today to defend me from my future wife, but please put your toys back where you got them from. Jensen! I meant it about revoking your driving privileges! Be careful! I’m…going to start looking for places we can build to appease my brand new girlfriend.”

Kimball waited for the soldiers to disperse, some taking more time than the rest, clearly worried about her or about the goddess that randomly appeared and claimed Kimball for her very own. A few had very pressing questions of faith that Kimball knew she was in no way equipped to answer.

When she was finally alone in the park again, she removed the metal piece from her belt.

It…looked like Tucker’s sword hilt.

She flicked her wrist, and a glowing green sword came out of it. She wondered if it would work on the temples or if something horrifying would happen the moment she tried to use it for anything other than murder.

A tiny flashing light in her helmet alerted Kimball that Santa was fully back on line, and she opened a channel.

“Santa?”

**_“Yes, General?”_ **

“Did you see any of that?”

**_“I saw all of it, General.”_ **

“Did I just score a planetary protector and a girlfriend with only the power of my awkwardness?”

**_“I am sure that your kindness and your status as planetary leader had something to do with it.”_ **

“Well…that’s…something. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am well that this is self-indulgent and weird and a total crack concept without actually being funny enough to be cracky, but I just found out through my boss that my grandmother who lives on the other side of the country was hospitalized and no one in my entire family bothered to call me or even send me a text, so screw well thought out stories and just accept my weird fever dream of a fic. 
> 
> I've cried, I've called, and I wrote a self-indulgent thing.


End file.
